***warning --- extremely mopey, depressed post ahead-- proceed with caution***
I have been too depressed to post. Also I hate typing with one hand, but I guess it is time for an update.
About three weeks ago I had a great ride on Lacey, I had a ponying session with Oak and then I thought "lets see if I can get further with the mounting block after a ponying session."
He was stiff and weird, so I kept pushing him a little just by staying still holding my leg around his barrel waiting for him to relax. Instead he moved sideways. The mounting block begin to tip but I called his bluff by not bailing and saying "whoa". He paused... and then shifted away more (the bastard).... which should have just meant I landed on the ground next to him like I have done a million times. I have even flipped the mounting block once or twice and landed on my feet mostly. But nope not this time. This time when the mounting block flips, I land in a heap on top of it and hit my wrist just right and... snap! There goes my stupid radius.
I laid crumpled in the arena just bawling for several minutes. The wrist hurt of course, but it wasn't that. It was a release of all these emotions of frustration and anxiety that had been building up each session with him. It was the crushing weight of feeling like a failure again and again. And it was the instant realization that all my forward progress with the other two horses and the running will have to come screeching to a halt.
I eventually managed to make it the house and gather up the husband and kid to take me to emergency room. Just as I had predicted I had a broken wrist and I am in a cast for 6-8 weeks.
I am not taking the setback well. I am really low on resiliency right now, and I am being a sulky baby. I admit it, but it was so difficult for me to crawl out of post-partum depression/fog, and I have lost so much confidence in my abilities and physicality since having a baby. I was just starting to feel like I could regain who I was before the baby and before the devastating loss of my partner Bodhi. Part of me feels like this is the last blow though, and that I should give up on horses and focus on being a mom. I feel selfish that I spend all this money on a hobby that I am floundering so terribly at. I feel like I am not doing these 2 misfit horses any good by not getting them properly trained. I used to be a decent horse trainer, but now I have all this physical emotional baggage that I can't seem to overcome. I feel like I am just wasting everyone's time and I should just call it. I keep trying to relive the glory days of Bodhi and these horses are not him and I am not the "golden the pony girl" anymore.
Oak is at my trainer's farm for a month. I made the excuse that I wanted her to keep him going while I heal, but I secretly wonder if I have just given up.
This picture pretty much sums it all up. I miss my horse, I miss my dog, and I miss my pre-baby body. None of these things will ever be the same, so maybe I should find peace in not chasing them?
If you have made it this far through all of this mopey garbage here are some pictures of my two best friends in the whole entire world. I was really lucky that they picked me to hang out with for the time that they had. They are resting now side by side. RIP good friends.
(((❤️❤️❤️)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about Stella. Losing our beloved animals is devastating. We've all been through it and sadly it's a part of life. You'll feel better as time goes on and you focus on the happy memories you had together.
ReplyDeleteAlso sorry to hear about your broken wrist, ouch! That must really hurt. But on the plus side it will heal and you'll be good as new. And for a mounting block don't have one that tips! Try building a wooden one with steps on both sides and put it in a corner of the ring. You might even be able to line it up with the fence and put Oak up against the fence so he can't swing his butt out.
As for your pre-baby body, you'll get that back eventually. It's a small price to pay for having a little one and becoming a mom.
I had the same problem with Dusty at the mounting block and it continued for years. It truly never resolved itself. Some days were good and she'd let me mount other times not so good. Once I was on her she was a rock and we had a lot of fun. But she just had this thing about being mounted. So it's your decision with Oak what you want to do and how much time and energy you want to put into him. I don't think you're wasting your time with your two horses but if it's not enjoyable then maybe you could send him to a trainer and see if they can resolve his issue at the mounting block. I know you're a good trainer but maybe in this instance he is taking advantage of you and picking up on your insecurities just a bit. If the trainer can't sort him out then it might be time to sell him to someone else. Riding should be enjoyable and only occasionally frustrating. You might find more confidence and have more fun with a trained safe horse. I don't think you really want to give up riding and horses you're just going through a rough patch right now and are feeling overwhelmed with everything. Feel better.
I am so sorry that this happened. I hesitated to respond because I am not sure what good advice from strangers on the internet actually serves.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I decided to weigh in anyway. But with the caveat that you should feel free to ignore this as irrelevent.
It seems that you making this decision from a place of emotion and discouragement. It doens't mean that it's a wrong decision but that you need to be careful. I would ask you to consider what role horses play in your life and your happiness. You should not give up something that gives you joy. I may be reacting viscerally because I heard so much when my children were young that I should give up horses and focus on my children. I am so glad that I did not. I don't believe that parenting requires that of us in order to be good parents.
Having children changes the body and it may never go back to where it was before. But it doesn't mean that your body won't be strong or effective.
It may be that Oak is not the right horse for you. sending him for trianing and possible selling is not horrible. Nor is keeping him as a pasture ornament and getting a horse that you can have fun with.
Other than that I want to send you a hug and aknowledgement that this sucks.
It's really tough combining small kids, a farm, and finding time to ride. I found that time of my life very rewarding but VERY challenging! All I can tell you is that I rode less but did keep riding as something just for me. Now my kids are older and I'm so glad I kept going. Maybe find a quiet horse you can truly enjoy(and your little one too) and low key ride until life eases up a bit. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that you're injured AND that you are mourning. I had a client who broke her wrist on the mounting block in a similar fashion (the horse didn't move, but the mounting block did). Ouch. So very heartbroken to read about the loss of your beautiful dog friend, too. The timing is certainly rotten, and I think you are more than allowed to feel sorry for yourself right now. No advice... just many e-hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about everything. It feels like it's been a really long year so far
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